Belief in Self

I had discount knowledge from high-cost decisions. And every action taken was paid for with my body and mind. No time to heal after the battles left their mark, and even less time to understand how to get through this hell. My eyes were closed to the possibility that life could exist without pain. But for some reason, I moved through the muck and made it to the other side. The real way through hell is not fighting against the darkness but instead creating your own light.

What I thought was a liability was actually a liberty. It freed me from the oppression that I was applying to myself. Doubt and anger were holding the handles, and I thought I had no way to get them back. But it was my own madness that was confusing my actions. I dove into chaos to find clarity. It wasn’t a giant leap that I needed to reach the other side. What I needed was slow and deliberate action that would move me forward and past the barriers I was placing in my own path. Healing is a choice. It is something you have to want to happen before it will ever begin. 

There are times in our lives when we believe the negative much more than we believe the positive. I have been in that place quite a lot. But it was a choice to climb my way out of that place. I had to remind myself that no amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worry can change the future. I started to find opportunities in my difficulties. When I started feeding gratitude, my grief began to starve. 

Trauma is like a fog over your life. It tries to mask the greatness you may be reaching by only showing where you have failed. It covers your prosperity with ideas of what you lack. The things you have no control over are how trauma can wield its control. But when you realize that you are the one who controls your thoughts and actions, you really begin to grow and heal. 

Remember that crowns are inherited, but kingdoms are earned. Just as pains are inherited and healing is earned. The scars we hold onto are the scars that tend to hurt. And to find peace, you have to put in the work. No, I did not intend to rhyme there. But I do find that life has its own rhythm, and how we dance to it is up to us. Sometimes the beat is slow and soft, and other times it is heavy and quick, but we are the ones who control how we react to it. We are the ones who decide how we move with that rhythm. 

I noticed recently that everything I want and need, I already have. Sure, there are no mansions, and peace is not something that happens every day. But what I want and need I already have. My life is better than I ever thought it would be when I first went through the trauma of my past. I thought that shadow would carry through to every day I lived. That the anger and guilt would eat away at me for the rest of my life, but it hasn’t. I have days with laughter and tears. I have days with peace and smiles. It isn’t the day that controls how we react but ourselves. We have so much more power over what we see than most of us believe. 

Becoming comfortable in chaos is a learned skill but not one we should hold onto forever. Comfort is not chaos, comfort is our souls at ease with the circumstances we find ourselves in.