Isolation

Number 6 of the seven deadly sins.

Isolation is the sixth sin of the seven deadly sins of trauma. We will be at the final sin pretty soon.

Isolation can make finding room to breathe even harder than it already seems when you are processing trauma. When we cut ourselves off from the outside world, our minds begin to dwell on the trauma. We get stuck in a never-ending cycle of reliving it, or at least what feels like never-ending.

When I was deep in the loop of trauma, I found that isolation became a reflex, something that got easier over time. It was simpler to stay away from everyone than to let them see my trauma in every word spoken or action taken. I felt like no matter what I did, everyone could see what I had been through. So, it was easier to keep my distance and deal with people wondering where I went wondering what might be wrong but never really wanting to ask.

The crazy thing about isolation is that it gets comfortable, like sitting in a chair molded perfectly to your body or lying in a bed with just the right amount of softness or firmness. Isolation feels like it’s keeping you from losing your mind, but in reality, it may be taking the last bit of it from you. It can make the idea of not being isolated seem even more unbearable than the isolation itself.

It starts with trauma, and then, before you know it, isolation takes hold. Negative thoughts come easily. So you withdraw even more, and the trauma just seems to grow heavier. Every movement, every conversation feels like a fight. So, you allow isolation to take over, because at least then, you don’t have to fight anymore.

But for me, isolation only led to a deeper depression and more thoughts of taking my own life. I started to believe that no one really cared if I was around, so why would they care if I was gone? Giving up started to seem easier than continuing on. Isolation fed those thoughts like a starving beast, amplifying my feelings of worthlessness.

What most people don’t talk about is the true impact of isolation. It weakens your immune system, steals your health, and pulls you away from the very people who want to help. I remember a friend asking me to come over and hang out just trying to be what they were: a friend. They had no idea what I was going through. Looking back, that was the lifeline I should have taken, but like so many times before, I found a reason not to. I pushed away instead of moving toward it.

I realized I needed to start as small as possible. I sent an email to my critique group, simply saying I was looking forward to seeing them. At that point, it didn’t matter whether I truly felt that way I had to say it to convince myself. Then, I moved on to just being around other humans. Not in a “spill my guts” kind of way, but simply existing near people. I joined some online groups and started chatting with others who shared my interests.

Setting goals and keeping them was one of the most important things I could do. I didn’t start with something outrageous, like speaking in front of a thousand people and answering all their questions. I started with something small going to eat with a couple of guys. It didn’t matter what we talked about; the point was to get out and actually communicate with others. For some, even that might be too much, so start wherever feels manageable for you. Maybe it’s just going to the park and sitting on a bench, watching people walk by. You don’t have to talk to anyone, but you’re still out. I needed to talk to people, but you may not be there yet.

Isolation is a darkness that shies away from the light. The way to get rid of it is to let the light in. So do the things that bring light, and let isolation know you’re done.