Hate -
Judgment is something I fight against daily. How I judge others and how I judge myself. I hate judging others, but I find myself doing it all the time. For some strange reason, I don’t worry about how others see me. I think the head injury removed my give a shit. But I still have the ability to judge everything I do. I judge my actions and inaction with the same ominous outlook on both. Judging how someone turns from a street light. Judging how people talk in the store. I judge the way I talk or the way I don’t talk. There aren’t a lot of things I hate in this world. But judgment is definitely at the top of the list. Yet here I am judging my judgment. A vicious cycle of trying to change things that I will never be able to change. I assume it is easy for people to judge one another because it seems so easy for me to. It’s like a reflex to assume that I know exactly what someone else is going through and how I would change their actions for the better. Who in the hell do I think I am, and how do I think I have power over people I don’t even know? There it goes again, judgment. When will it stop?
Fear -
Fear is something that we are taught to suppress in the military as if it is a liability and unneeded. We force-feed ourselves bravery and assume that it will hold up in the worst of times. Fear is necessary; it is something to rely on. Our instinct of survival is based on fear. And to think we should never fear anything is an idea that was created by someone who never faced what they feared. The first time I was in a situation where fear reared its head, I was grateful that it was there. Not because I succumbed to it, but because it showed me how to react. When your hair stands up on your arms and the back of your neck tingles, it is telling you something is about to happen. That is fear. When time slows down for a moment, and your reaction happens without your input, that too is fear. I don’t believe there is a person on this earth who does not have a fear. So why in the world would we push it down and act as though it is a weakness? That part of the brainwashing never worked on me, I guess.
Love -
The day is calmer and the nights more manageable when my wife is near. I have something with her that words could never really measure up to. It's knowing that no matter what happens, this person is behind you, in front of you, and always there for you. She stayed when no one else wanted to be near me. She smiled when I didn’t have the ability to feel joy. I have never wondered about her belief in me or her belief in what I can accomplish. Love is not a single thing, it is many things. It is openness, it is belief, it is hope, it is understanding. It is a touch, a look, it is the glue that keeps the cracks from showing. Everything makes sense because of it.
So beautifully said. Your words always make me pause and reflect, and I'm grateful for that. I've noticed myself being more judgmental lately--with myself and others--and I don't know where that's coming from, In some ways, I think it's a defense mechanism.
Reading this felt like stepping into a personal journal. So raw and honest. I could really feel the emotion in what you wrote about judgment and fear, and the way you spoke about love was beautiful.
I struggle with judgment too. Lately, I’ve been learning that so many of us are carrying something. Even someone who seems arrogant might just be sleep-deprived, unwell, or grieving. We never really know what others are going through.
I’m learning to accept that I’m imperfect and might slip into judgment sometimes. But I want to keep growing, to be more compassionate with others and with myself.